


You're the Only One I Want (by my side, when I fall asleep)

by MelodicNoise



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Denial of Feelings, Drinking, Friends to Lovers, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, M/M, Markno, just cute uni things in general :D
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:29:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28473957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodicNoise/pseuds/MelodicNoise
Summary: A million little pieces and feelings clicked into place and he realized. He was in love with his best friend.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Mark Lee
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	You're the Only One I Want (by my side, when I fall asleep)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~ this is my last fic for 2020, thank you to everyone who read my fics, i appreciate you!! extra special to ti, laura, dani, eli and bon who all gave me feedback while creating this.
> 
> The title is a lyric from Sugar by BROCKHAMPTON

Jeno startles as a damp cloth touches the inside of his thigh. When he looks up, Renjun is looking at him, forehead creased in concern. They quickly look away when their eyes meet, instead, focusing back on Jeno’s body. Jeno smiles softly, in an attempt to comfort them but Renjun just sighs and goes back to cleaning the cum off of Jeno’s legs. 

  


“What’s wrong? You were kinda out of it today,” Renjun asks softly.

  


The question catches Jeno off guard, Renjun isn’t the type to ask about his life or feelings beyond what’s necessary in the realm of aftercare. Even when Jeno can tell Renjun is concerned they just,,, don’t. That's not what their relationship with each other is afterall. Renjun is just a casual friend. They have been hooking up for a few months but Jeno wouldn’t really consider Renjun someone he’s close to; but they could be. 

  


“Um, I’m not sure if you’re interested but-” Jeno hears another sigh and watches Renjun roll their eyes.

  


“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn't want to know,” they snort, climbing onto the bed next to him after discarding the dirty cloth into a nearby laundry basket.

  


“I guess I’ll just start from the beginning?” Jeno says, it isn’t really a question but Renjun nods all the same. 

  


A million memories and thoughts come back to Jeno and fill his senses as he recalls and tells everything to Renjun. If he considers it, he’s pretty sure everything started when he was 16. That was the beginning of his downfall. 

  


“It was supposed to be something casual. Just my childhood friend and I having dinner with our families for my 16th birthday you know?” Jeno starts.

  


“Of course, he, (his name is Mark) he prepared something even though we agreed not to give gifts. We always say we aren’t going to give each other anything and we always end up giving something anyways,” Jeno laughs fondly at the memory.

  


“He composed me a song and performed it. In front of all those people, he dedicated a song to me, and my little 16 year old heart beat out of my chest.” The memories now bittersweet as he recalls it. 

  


The feelings come back as if it was yesterday and Jeno doesnt think he will ever get used to the way that Mark makes him feel. He can see the scene behind his eyes, the image of Mark sat on that stage strumming his guitar and singing softly. 16 year old Jeno plummeted into empty space and watched as it filled with memories. The view of Mark sleepy in the morning, his shy giggle when he was praised, his pout whenever Jeno told him no. A million little pieces and feelings clicked into place and he realized. He was in love with his best friend.

  


“Well, I was definitely in love with him long before that, but that was when I realized,” Jeno says softly. 

  


Renjun is watching him intently, there’s no judgement in their eyes, not that they would be the type to judge anyone for how they feel in the first place, but it is comforting to see that they’re not formulating any opinions and are just listening earnestly.

  


“I’ll spare you all the cringey emotions I felt. I think if I said them outloud I would gag but, I was incredibly impulsive back then and I kinda just? Blurted out my feelings?” Jeno laughs. Renjun’s eyes crinkle slightly as they laugh at Jeno’s retelling. 

  


It wasn’t that simple, of course, it never is; but it’s better than telling Renjun how Jeno was so distracted by Mark’s smile. How his body felt like it was burning up from the inside as Mark descended the stage and came back to the table. How, when Mark had asked whether Jeno liked the song, he was so distracted that he just said the first thing that came to his head; and ended up blurting out that he was in love with Mark only to be shot down with an “I love you too bro.”

  


“Anyways, Mark is dense as a sack of hammers no matter how much I may love him, so he shot me down without even realizing it; but, I was blindly determined for some reason and decided to text him with a proper confession and ask him out.” Jeno smiles. It’s something he can laugh about now, the pain long since past, but it was harder back then. 

  


“We dated for a while but he was never really in love with me. He was just too nice to reject me,” Jeno pauses for a second before continuing.

  


“But yeah, I broke up with him, things were awkward for a bit, and now we’re best friends again,” Jeno says with forced nonchalance. Renjun hums, a thoughtful expression on their face. 

  


“So why were you thinking about this while we were fucking? Or do you have a habit of reminiscing about your exes while you get laid?” There’s a playful twinkle in Renjun's eyes as they ask the question.

  


“Aha, yeah, I guess you could say I never really moved on?” Jeno says meekly. 

  


“Ahhhh, I see.”

  


“Yeah... I’m,” Jeno takes a deep breath.

  


“I’m still kinda hung up on him. It’s stupid, I know, but he’s still my best friend. Kinda hard to get rid of those feelings when I’m around him all the time and I’m constantly reminded why I’m in love with him,” Jeno tries not to sound bitter but the flash of pity in Renjun’s eyes tells him that his efforts failed.

  


“Sorry for being distracted today. It’s just, Mark broke up with his current boyfriend, or I guess now his ex? Anyways, they broke up last night and it was one of the first texts I woke up to today and every time this happens I can’t help but wonder why.” 

  


Jeno feels guilty for spilling everything out to Renjun like this, but, at the same time there’s a heavy wash of relief. He’s never told anyone about the in’s and out’s of his feelings for Mark Lee.

  


There’s these habits that Mark has, and they’re the reason that Jeno can’t seem to let go. He can feel the ghost of the heat that Mark’s hand leaves on the back of his neck, the butterflies that take flight at the compliments and comfortable touches Mark gives that seem to linger only with him. Jeno feels at peace with Mark, the familiarity of a lifelong friendship easing his heart; and yet, somehow, he feels like he can never find his footing. His feelings spiral like a galaxy in his chest with Mark at the center, his heart orbits Mark's existence in his life and Jeno has no issues with that. Mark is his best friend first and his love second, and that is where the problem lays. 

  


Renjun sighs as they sit up from where they were laying next to him, soft chestnut hair falling into their face as they look at Jeno. Their expression is unreadable but he waits patiently for them to think. After a few seconds they move to straddle Jeno, and take Jeno’s face between their hands. Jeno doesn’t resist as they draw his face closer to theirs and kiss them softly on the nose.

  


“You are amazing, Jeno Lee. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Whether it’s with Mark or someone else, you will get your happy ending. There’s no shame in having feelings.” 

  


To anyone else it may have sounded like the words of someone bitter with the heartache of unreciprocated love; but, to Jeno it was simple reassurance. Jeno knows Renjun speaks objectively and says what they think, there’s no sugar coated reassurance, only their opinion and views. 

  


“Well, if nobody dates you, maybe I’ll swoop in and claim you for myself,” Renjun says, pushing Jeno back down into the bed. Jeno rolls his eyes and laughs softly as he relishes in the comforting feeling of Renjun’s lips against his neck. He tries not to let his mind wander off into thoughts of the boy who didn’t love him back. 

  


*

Jeno is sitting in his 4pm lecture zoning out as his professor drones on about another formula that he will inevitably end up just teaching himself. He should probably pay more attention considering it is January and they are only a couple weeks into second semester, but he was never the greatest at paying attention in class, preferring to self study in his own time. So instead he occupies his class time with day-dreams, most often, Mark related ones. 

  


A soft touch to his shoulder brings Jeno out of his thoughts and he blinks a couple times before looking up at whose hand was currently placed on his shoulder.

  


“Class is over and we need to clear the room,” Renjun laughs lightly, rolling their eyes. Jeno shoots them a weak glare as he stuffs his laptop into his backpack. After half a year of an ever-growing friendship Renjun is used to Jeno’s shenanigans and Jeno can practically hear Renjun tease him in their head. 

  


Before, they had only really met up for a booty call or hung out when they happened to run into each other. But luckily, this semester the two of them had by chance enrolled in the same class and it has become a catalyst for them to spend a lot more time around one another. 

  


The two of them exit the science building and make their way towards the cafeteria, auto-pilot taking over as the chill of winter seeps through Jeno’s coat. Renjun is next to him ranting about some girl in their class who refused to use their pronouns properly and Jeno feels a familiar twinge of annoyance under his skin as he patiently listens to Renjun and comforts them when necessary.

  


The building that holds the cafeteria is a relief from the cold and both of them let go of the tension in their shoulders as they let the warmth of the indoors thaw their limbs. They separate briefly to get food and drink and reconvene at an abandoned table in the seating area. Jeno looks in disdain as Rejun opens their salad and Renjun similarly responds to Jeno’s hot chocolate and pizza. 

  


“Aren’t you a university student? What uni student willingly eats salad?” Jeno teases. Renjun scoffs as they stab into a piece of lettuce.

  


“That sort of thinking is why your cum tastes like shit,” Renjun says snarkily before shoving the fork into their mouth. Jeno sputters, slightly choking on his hot chocolate. After the two of them have finished eating (and Jeno has gotten another hot chocolate) Renjun makes pointed eye contact with him, the weight of their gaze heavy on Jeno’s body. Renjun has a way of looking at him when he wants to know something, it feels like he’s being dissected with their eyes and he’s poking at their brain trying to figure him out. 

  


“I already know the answer is gonna be something like ‘Renjun! Have you seen how Mark’s eyes sparkle!’” Renjun mocks.

  


“But something must have happened with how deep in thought you were today, usually you at least notice when class is over. So, what were you thinking about?” Renjun asks. 

  


The nice thing about Jeno having someone to talk to about these things is that he’s not as prone to working himself up to rash decisions or conclusions. The bad thing is that Renjun is subjected to all of his puppy love ramblings.

  


“The usual, thinking about Mark,” Jeno grumbles. Suddenly very busy fishing all the marshmallows out of his hot chocolate with a toothpick. 

  


“Ok, and? There’s more to it than that. I can feel it,” Renjun squints.

  


“He just, he’s been hanging out with Donghyuck a lot? But they’re supposed to be exes. He hasn’t dated anyone since then and I just, I thought maybe I had a chance? During the holidays when we went home he was a lot clumsier than normal,,” Jeno trails off.

  


“Hmm, well I have no idea what Mark feels but I can guarantee they’re not getting back together. Donghyuck said they’re just friend-”

  


“But he knows we’re friends, he could just be telling you that,” Jeno interrupts. 

  


“You didn’t let me finish,” Renjun glares.

  


“Also he said that Mark is, and I quote, ‘a boring vanilla bitch’ which is a deal breaker for him. You know how he is,” Renjun laughs. Jeno knows Renjun and Donghyuck hook up regularly, he’s even been invited to join them, which he did only once, just for the experience.

  


“Look, Jeno. I get you’re scared. But what’s the harm in asking him out again? I know you two have already dated, but also you were 16. Obviously it's not the same as dating as an adult,” Renjun says softly. There’s a little twinge of  maybe I really am blowing this out of proportion but Jeno has a list of why he can’t take that risk and he retells them to Renjun everytime they have this conversation. 

  


Renjun heaves out a deep sigh, slumping forward in their seat. Unfortunately, they miscalculate a bit and end up banging their head on the table. The noise makes a couple heads turn and Jeno struggles not to lose it laughing. He clenches his stomach in pain from holding in his fit of giggles as he takes out his phone, snapping a few pictures of Renjun, zooming in on the red spot on their fordead. 

  


Jeno is too busy laughing that he doesn't notice someone coming up behind him until he feels the familiar pressure on the back of his neck of Mark stabilizing himself on Jeno as he sits down next to him. Over the years Jeno has gotten good at hiding his expression but he still feels the need to will himself not to burst into flames as he turns to look at Mark.

  


“Hey whats up,” Jeno says. Internally he's trying to keep himself in check, chanting  best friend best friend best friend bestfriend boyfrien- NOPE. As he tries to act as normal as possible. He knows the hand lingering on the back of his neck is a normal Mark thing and means nothing but it still stresses him out to no end.

  


“Not much, I just finished class, there was this person who was-” Mark's words turn into background noise. He’s still listening, afterall, every word that falls from Mark's lips is important, but he would much rather get lost in the little details that make up the existence known as Mark Lee. 

  


A sharp pain runs up his leg and Jeno’s head snaps to look at Renjun who had just  kicked him under the table. Jeno deadpans at Renjun, mouthing a small “im gonna kill you” to which they just roll their eyes. Jeno wills away the involuntary tears from getting kicked in the fucking shin as he turns back to Mark whose eyes are flitting back and forth between him and Renjun. A thinly veiled curiosity within them.

  


“Sorry Renjun accidentally kicked me.” It's a half truth but it's better than a lie. Jeno has never and will never lie to Mark.

“All good, I’m probably bothering you two anyways,” Mark laughs a bit awkwardly.

  


“I should be getting to practice anyways, see later Nono,” Mark says with a squeeze to the back of Jenos neck. They wave goodbye as Mark leaves and Jeno turns back to face Renjun. 

  


“What the fuck?”

“I could tell u were in lala-land having a daydream about you and Mark married with a kid and 5 cats,” Renjun smirks. Jeno wonders if he could get away with murder. 

*

  


Mark heads out of the building and towards the rink, he didn’t actually have official practice, he was just desperate to get out of that situation. There’s this weird feeling beneath his skin that he can't quite put his finger on.  Maybe I ate something bad? Or maybe I’m just having an off day , he thinks. It felt like he was intruding and no matter how many times Haechan had insisted that there was nothing going on between the two it sure felt like there was. 

  


It’s something he’s been feeling for a while, that feeling of discomfort when he sees Renjun and Jeno together. He’s not really sure why but he would never actually talk to Jeno about it. Mark doesn’t even know how he would go about that conversation. He doesn't want to make Jeno feel guilty or weird by stating he’s uncomfortable with the only friend Jeno has made in the five months they have been in University. 

  


So instead, he messages Donghyuck, someone who has recently become more of a sounding board for his Jeno related feelings despite their status as exes. Mark sends off a text explaining his plight, and in typical Donghyuck fashion, does not receive an answer until approximately 3 hours later when Mark is home in bed, regretting pushing his body to its limits during drills. 

  


Sunboy: maybe ur just jealous lol

  


Markle: i told u we dated in hs, why would i be jealous lmao

  


Sunboy: first, that was like,,, 3 years ago

  


Sunboy: next, u keep asking abt renjun and jenos relationship

  


Sunboy: and u talk abt jeno ALL THE FUCKING TIME 

  


Markle: i rly dont have a thing for jeno hyuck, im just worried abt him

  


Sunboy: ,,,,ur a fucking idiot is what u are

  


Markle: thats not nice dude

  


Sunboy: stop calling me dude like a cishet frat boy

  


Sunboy: speaking of frat boys, r u going to the party tmrw?

  


Markle: idk, not rly feeling up to it lately 

  


Sunboy: just come dumbass

  


Markle: uhg ok 

  


  


Mark plugs in his phone and sets it down on his bed-side table. There’s no point in arguing with Hyuck, if he tries to fight him on it he’s only going to end up losing and probably with hurt feelings. He learnt that from dating him and it still applied now that they’re friends. 

  


Mark rolls over in bed and he can distantly hear the sound of Jeno coming home, quietly tiptoeing to his room and shutting the door. It’s a common occurrence, Jeno staying out and coming home late from hanging out with Renjun. Just as common is the way Mark stays up to listen for his safe return. He silently wonders what they’re doing out that late before reminding himself that it’s none of his business. 

  


*

  


When Renjun said that they had something fun to do tonight, this is not what he was expecting. Jeno can practically feel the bass in his bones and he is  sure that someone in this house will be receiving a noise complaint in the morning. The minute they enter his coat is stolen and a drink is thrust in his hand, Renjun disappearing from his side, probably to go and find their friends.

  


It’s not a huge party but the house is packed with the most people that could comfortably fit in the space. Jeno can already feel the effects of having all these people squished into the room as he scans the room desperate to find a corner to tuck himself into and stay out of the way. 

  


He finds an open spot on the couch and makes himself comfortable, the drink that he was given smells like rubbing alcohol and he isn’t really enjoying it but he downs it all anyways. Just so he doesn’t have to hold it anymore. 

  


Across the room he spots Renjun, Jeno lifts his hand in a wave and freezes when he sees Mark behind them. Mark who’s standing next to Donghyuck. No matter how much Renjun might reassure him that those two are never getting back together, it doesn't stop the little voice in Jeno’s head from planting that fear in him. 

  


Jeno belatedly realizes his hand is still in the air and he quickly tries to regain his composure, lowering his hand and smiling at Renjun who makes their way over to him. Jeno feels the awkward stare of his best friend as Renjun plants themself on his lap. Renjun thrusts their drink in Jeno’s face, silently telling them to drink the rest and Jeno complies easily. If he is going to have to watch Mark and Donghyuck flirt all evening he doesn't want to remember it tomorrow. 

  


The alcohol in those drinks was definitely stronger than Jeno anticipated because about fifteen minutes later he is  very tipsy and has a similarly intoxicated Renjun in his lap snuggling against his neck, leaving a line of hickeys. Jeno’s legs are falling asleep and he knows that when he tries to stand he will be attacked with pins and needles. But Renjuns weight on him is comforting and he also doesn't want to have to kick Renjun off the couch. 

  


Jeno’s not particularly interested in drinking more, he is at a comfortable level of drunk so he has just been talking to the people sitting on and around the couch. They’re playing some greuling drinking game called ‘Ride the Bus’ and even though he’s not playing it is still plenty entertaining. It is also an amazing distraction from having to watch Mark flirt with Donghyuck. Last he checked they were leaning against the wall whispering in each other’s ears, not that Jeno was paying attention. 

  


Renjun shifts in his lap and Jeno’s attention is drawn away from the table of drunk people. Renjun sits up and slowly gets off his lap, staggering slightly when they stand.

  


“What’s up?” Jeno asks, concerned.

  


“Washroom,” Renjun slurs softly. 

Jeno’s worried they’re going to tip right over so he moves to stand up, reaching out to prevent disaster. But as he’s about to actually get out of his seat and ask Renjun if they need any help, Donghyuck appears next to them, a tight hand gripping Renjun’s elbow to steady them before wrapping his arm delicately around their waist. 

  


“I’ll look after them, don’t worry,” Donghyuck says with a comforting smile. Despite all his sharp edges he’s actually a really good friend and that’s something that Jeno can see whenever he happens to see the two of them together. 

  


Donghyuck leaves with Renjun, guiding them safely out of the living room. Jeno’s alcohol muddled brain notices a person standing next to him. When he looks up Mark is looking down at him, his face pensive and almost thoughtful, and Jeno’s definitely not sober enough to figure out what that expression means. Luckily he doesn’t have to because Mark speaks before Jeno has a chance to overthink.

  


“Do you need some water? I’m gonna get you water,” Mark says before disappearing across the room. 

  


Jeno follows Mark with his eyes, watches as he weaves between people on his way towards the kitchen and is stopped by a couple people. Mark’s always been popular, he draws people in unintentionally and makes others feel welcome and engaged; so it makes sense that Mark is still talking by the time Donghyuck returns Renjun to Jeno’s lap.

  


“I have arrived, you can stop sulking now~” Renjun sing-song’s in a drunken slur. Jeno giggles as Renjun proceeds to boop Jeno on the nose. 

  


Jeno briefly looks away, eyes flitting to look at Mark who happens to look at him at the same time. There's a flash of  something in his eyes and a slight hesitation as he waves to Jeno. Mark looks away before Jeno can reciprocate the small acknowledgement and Mark leaves the group he was talking to.

  


Jeno feels a small bump against his shoulder and when he turns his head back he comes face to face with Renjun whose eyes are glazed over. A slow smile spreads across their face and Jeno as Renjun moves so they're straddling his lap. They lean in closer and plant a few kisses on his cheeks, Jeno doesn’t particularly mind, but he makes sure to move away just as they are about to kiss him on the lips; not one to really want to make out when he’s drunk. 

  


Renjun sits back and looks at Jeno’s face with a broad smile before planting one last kiss on Jeno’s nose and hopping off his lap. They practically skip across the room until they reach Donghyuck, whispering in his ear and then hanging off him fondly. 

  


A red solo cup is thrust into Jeno’s vision and he sees Mark behind it, eyebrows knit together. Jeno takes the cup from his hand and Mark flops down on the couch next to him. Apparently, some time during Renjun giving him an obscure amount of affection and Mark’s return, a large number of people at the party had left, either passing out in an empty room or heading home for the night. Jeno sips his cup of water silently, letting himself stew in the harmonies and bass of  Sugar  by  BROCKHAMPTON  consume him and run through his body as his eyes get heavier and heavier.

  


“Hey, you’re about to fall asleep on this couch, let's go home,” Mark's breath tickles Jeno’s ear and he nods. He let’s Mark pull him up off the couch and they step out into the frosty air of January. 

  


“I didn’t drink so I’m good to drive us home,” Mark says, his hand still holding Jeno’s, pulling him along. Belatedly Jeno realizes he didn’t get to say goodbye to Renjun or Donghyuck but when he voices this to Mark he’s only met with a grumble. Mark opens the car door for Jeno and helps him in all while saying something under his breath that Jeno doesn’t quite catch. 

  


The car ride back to their apartment is quiet, save for the soft tune of a song that Jeno can't remember that plays softly on the radio. It’s not awkward per say, but Jeno can feel the tension, that small nagging feeling that he tends to get when Mark is annoyed about something. He decides not to bring it up, not wanting to distract Mark while he drives. But when they get back to the apartment he decides to confront him. Jeno can feel there’s a problem, and he’s going to try and work it out. 

  


*

  


Mark's keys jangle softly as he unlocks their dorm. Jeno can see the cheesy Hello Kitty phone charm hanging off his keys, and he smiles at the fact that Mark has kept little things like that from when they were kids up until now. Jeno practically falls onto the living room couch after kicking off his shoes at the door. He sees Mark start to head to his room and he stumbles while getting up to stop him, falling to his knees behind Mark. When he turns to face Jeno there’s a split second where everything feels fine again, no awkwardness or tip-toeing around each other. Just him and Mark, and then it’s gone. Replaced with an awkward feeling that is suffocating and Jeno just says the first thing he can think.

  


“Why are you upset with me?’ 

  


“I’m not,” Mark replies. But he’s doing that thing where he can’t make eye contact with Jeno when he lies. 

  


“Really? Because every time we’re together lately you give me this weird look. I don’t know how to describe it, it’s like you get annoyed being around me or something,” Jeno says. He’s trying not to get defensive but he can already feel the tension in his voice, his throat constricting as he speaks.

  


“No it’s nothing it’s just.. You would tell me if you were dating someone right?” Mark asks. Jeno freezes. What does that even mean? Where did that come from? Why is Mark asking anyways?

  


“I mean, yeah of course? Why did you think I was dating someone and hiding it from you?” 

  


“Well, you and Renjun are just awfully close… If you aren’t dating you really shouldn’t be leading them on like that,” Mark grumbles. 

“Not that it’s any of your business but I’m not leading them on. I’m not leading  anyone on.” Jeno’s voice raises a bit and he closes his eyes, taking a couple deep breaths before opening them to look at Mark. Jeno expected Mark to be apologetic, maybe say sorry for assuming things and then they could make up. Instead Mark is crossing his arms, the sign of a lowly burning fire that’s about to erupt.

  


“It’s still misleading for other people,” Mark says, his voice gaining a stubborn quality.

  


“ I’m sorry , I didn’t realize anybody cared about my relationship with Renjun enough to speculate on that shit. Please! Tell me, who the fuck cares?” 

  


“Me!” Mark practically yells. 

  


Jeno watches his face transform into something of shock. Mark looks down but Jeno’s honestly just confused. Why the fuck does he care. It’s none of his business. He guesses Mark could be concerned for him but he really doesn’t understand. 

  


Tears well in Jeno’s eyes and he watches as Mark finally looks at him, eyes filling with concern. Jeno’s not sure if he’s angry, sad, confused or frustrated but he thinks he might be a combination of all four at once. 

  


“Why? Why the fuck do you care? It’s none of your business, and it’s not  fair ,” Jeno cries angrily.

  


“I’m sorry. I’m really dumb, huh?” Mark laughs bitterly. He looks like he’s trying to figure out what to say and somehow it just annoys Jeno even more. 

  


  


“Yeah! You know what? You are dumb! You get mad at me for hanging out with Renjun but you hang out with Donghyuck all the time! He’s your  ex  for fucks sake! You get mad at me but don’t even think about how it feels for me having to watch that when I’ve been in love with you for  years !” Jeno slaps a hand to his mouth as he realizes the gravity of his words. 

  


“Oh.” Mark’s voice is barely above a whisper.

  


“I shouldn’t have said that I’m sorry,” Jeno says as he rubs at his face. He quickly passes Mark, heading towards his room, but Mark grabs his arm. 

  


“I think I like you too,” Mark says breathlessly. Jeno explodes.

  


“No. We are not doing this shit again, not after last time. It might have been high school but I am not letting you pacify my feelings by forcing you to date me. This is one of the reasons I didn’t want to tell you. Because I knew you would pull this shit again. I just wanted my best friend back,” Jeno rips his arm away from Mark but when he actually looks at his best friend it makes him pause. 

  


“You can’t just say that to me,” Jeno’s voice cracks.

  


“I’m not,” Mark says, making eye contact with Jeno.

  


“I don’t believe you,” Jeno whispers. He’s imagined this scenario a million different ways. He knows that in reality Mark will never love him back, so this is just a daydream, it has to be.

  


“I don’t know how to explain it to you, I have this need to be close to you. I want to be around you all the time and I always catch myself touching you, I constantly want to know what you’re up to. I  care about you Jeno,” Mark says as he paces.

  


“Did you know there’s this joke among the team members. They say I’m whipped for you, and it’s funny cause I always just thought that it was a joke cause you’re my best friend, of course I care about you. But I realized that I don’t care about you the way I care about my other friends. Not even the way that I cared about Hyuck. You’re so much more than that to me.” 

  


Mark is wringing his hands as he walks back and forth and Jeno reaches out to stop him, a gentle touch against his shoulder. 

  


“You don’t have to convince yourself Mark. It’s ok. I know you don’t love me like that,” Jeno sighs tiredly. He startles when Mark grabs his hand tightly.

  


“No, no you don’t understand. I dream about you, you know? I’ve been dreaming about you since we broke up and I used to be able to write it off as hormones but I think it’s just that I didn’t want to admit that I fucked up the best thing in my life,” Marks grip on Jeno’s hand is so tight he winces, Mark notices and loosens his grip. Jeno watches Mark’s thumb trace along his knuckles from where they’re now holding hands and he feels the knot of feelings and hopes that he had sealed away become undone.

  


“I don't think I can give you your best friend back Jeno. But maybe I can give you something different,” Mark whispers. 

  


There’s a second where the universe around him and Mark stills. Everything is frozen as he processes that everything he has ever wanted is right in front of him. Jeno knows he might get hurt again, maybe this time everything will break if things go south again. But, he wants to try again, he would be a fool not to. 

  


“You really are an idiot Mark Lee. There’s no way I’m letting you go this time, you know that right?” Jeno laughs softly, the affection chokes him up just as much as the anger did.

  


“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  


Jeno plays with Mark’s fingers as they sit on the couch together. They talked for a long time and somewhere along the way Mark had fallen asleep. It’s the first time they’ve slept side by side in years but just like back then. It feels right. This is where they belong. Together.

**Author's Note:**

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